can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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