I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
