I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
