It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
