he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
