On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She's JV to your varsity
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
