Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize