If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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