I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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