someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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