i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize