I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
