you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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