dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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