Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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