How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
