hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have already put on my inside pants.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
