i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
