Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
