I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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