Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
