My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
