We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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