I have demons in me.
my phone needs a breathalizer
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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