What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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