Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
