Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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