I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
