I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
