My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
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