it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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