I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
