I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
