Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
