I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
