All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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