this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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