i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
