You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize