We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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