I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
