and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
