I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
