I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
