i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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