Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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