I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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