At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
