I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
