I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
