I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
