Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
