he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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