I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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