I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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