Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
