somebody snuck up and got me drunk
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
