A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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