She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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