just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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